I went to lunch with a friend of mine who was telling me about her struggles in handling a mother with Alzheimer’s and a father who was falling ill because of caregiving her mother. This is so often the case, when the elderly “well” spouse gets sick taking care of the “sick” spouse.
I am one of the daughters who have experienced this scenario so my friend was asking my opinion on how to handle the situation. It is not easy knowing that at this time in their lives, you are now making serious, long lasting decisions for your parents.
I suggested the following to my friend:
• Don’t second guess yourself – you are making the best decision you can with the information you have on hand at that particular moment.
• It is in the best interest of your "well" parent to find an alternative caregiving situation for your "sick" parent.
• Don’t make any rash decisions about your own living arrangements – so often we want to move very close to our parents. But in the end, this may be the worst thing to do. We need space and time to make rational, logical decisions and if we are in the midst of chaos all the time, it is hard to do.
• Sometimes we have to tell a fib in order to save the life of the “well” parent. The Alzheimer’s or dementia patient forgets what you tell them from one moment to the next. So if you have to tell them that their spouse was in an accident or in the hospital in order to place the “sick” parent in a safe, caring environment, then you must.
• Use caregiving websites as resources.
• Speak to others who are or have been in your situation.
I was glad to share my experiences and advice with my friend and she told me our talk helped her. It is gratifying to me when I can help others because I realize that what I went through had a purpose.
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You could also tell your parent about the Well Spouse Association, http://wellspouse.org, a group that offers emotional support to husbands, wives or partners of people with chronic illness and/or disability.
ReplyDeleteThank you for providing this website. I'll forward it to my friend.
ReplyDeleteAnnette
Making the best decision can be quite a task considering we don't always know what the 'best decision' is. To help with the task, there is a great website for finding senior resources such as care types available free of charge: Geri Care Finder
ReplyDeleteThanks for your recommendation.
ReplyDeleteAnnette
Annette,
ReplyDeleteYour message is very important for people to consider. We went through the same scenario last Fall with my 91-year-old In-Laws and were afraid that Dad would not survive carring for Mom with her Alzheimers.
By the time he finally agreed to put her into a facility that specializes in the disease, he had already deteriorated significantly, physically, emotionally and certainly financially.
During the first six months there, she kept having TIAs or small strokes that left her more and more incapacitated. Finally, she had a massive stroke and passed away two weeks later.
The good thing is that Dad's health began to improve within just a few weeks. Now, three months later, he is doing better than he had in almost five years.
Although we all miss Mom, in reality, she had been "gone" for several years. It has been a blessing that we didn't lose Dad in the process of trying to help her.
Whatever your friend decides to do, it is an agonizing decision and I wish her all the best in doing what they feel is best. After all, that is really all that any of us can do for our parents and ourselves.
Beth LaMie
www.bethlamie.com
Caring for an aging parent or sick spouse is a very trying time for all involved. I am thrilled to see more and more opportunities for support arising - such as this site! When I went through it several years ago, it was difficult to find help. I recently published a book "Saying Goodbye to Mom" that is a collection of my reflections during my caregiving days to offer comfort and support to those who are going through it now.
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