Choosing to save your "well" parent

I went to lunch with a friend of mine who was telling me about her struggles in handling a mother with Alzheimer’s and a father who was falling ill because of caregiving her mother. This is so often the case, when the elderly “well” spouse gets sick taking care of the “sick” spouse.
I am one of the daughters who have experienced this scenario so my friend was asking my opinion on how to handle the situation. It is not easy knowing that at this time in their lives, you are now making serious, long lasting decisions for your parents.

I suggested the following to my friend:
• Don’t second guess yourself – you are making the best decision you can with the information you have on hand at that particular moment.
• It is in the best interest of your "well" parent to find an alternative caregiving situation for your "sick" parent.
• Don’t make any rash decisions about your own living arrangements – so often we want to move very close to our parents. But in the end, this may be the worst thing to do. We need space and time to make rational, logical decisions and if we are in the midst of chaos all the time, it is hard to do.
• Sometimes we have to tell a fib in order to save the life of the “well” parent. The Alzheimer’s or dementia patient forgets what you tell them from one moment to the next. So if you have to tell them that their spouse was in an accident or in the hospital in order to place the “sick” parent in a safe, caring environment, then you must.
• Use caregiving websites as resources.
• Speak to others who are or have been in your situation.

I was glad to share my experiences and advice with my friend and she told me our talk helped her. It is gratifying to me when I can help others because I realize that what I went through had a purpose.