Orphan at 60

A Mother's Day Poem

2011-05-08T17:23:00.000-07:00

Your Mother Is Always With You
~Author Unknown

She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street.

She's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks.

She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well.

Your mother lives inside your laughter.

She's crystallized in every tear drop.

She's the place you came from, your first home.

She's the map you follow with every step that you take.

She's your first love and your first heart break.

Nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space, not even death...

will ever separate you from your mother...

You carry her inside you heart!

Mother's Day 2011

2011-05-08T16:38:00.000-07:00

On this Mother's Day,I am fondly remembering my deceased maternal grandmother as well as my mother. These two women were as different as night and day. Yet they had two things in common, a wonderful nurturing spirit and a true love of family.

My mother and grandmother were role models for me when I started my own family.
I know I'm fortunate to have been raised by two great women! And I am most proud that my sons have carried forth this strong feeling of family love.

Today, I honor all the wonderful mothers who love and sacrifice for their families every day.

Four Year Anniversary of being an orphan

2011-02-20T12:46:00.000-08:00

On February 22 it will be four years since my father's death and the first time I felt like an orphan. It's so odd because at times it seems like it was just yesterday that I attended his funeral (so vivid still in my mind) and at other times it seems so long ago.

I think about him every day and he remains a strong influence on how I live my life. He taught me so many things. I have my fond memories to keep his memory alive.

Unfortunately, most of us don't realize how much our parents give us until after they are gone. For those of you baby boomers who are lucky enough to have their parents alive, be grateful and treasure your time with them. I understand it is at times difficult to deal with parents who are experiencing dementia, ill health and/or depression. Look for support from friends, relatives or organizations to help you manage this challenging time in your life. I have recommended internet sites at the bottom of this blog.

Favorite Quotes that deal with the loss of a loved one

2010-08-02T17:50:00.000-07:00

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a
treasure. ~Author Unknown

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing. ~Robert Ingersoll

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa

A Day to Remember Your Father

2010-06-20T12:24:00.000-07:00

For those of us whose father has died, it is even more important to celebrate Father's Day. It is a day to remember all those special moments that we spent with our father-- all the funny episodes, all the emotional moments, all the times we got angry or frustrated and all the tender moments.

For those of us who were caretakers for our fathers, today we reflect on all those impossible times when we became the adult and our father became the child.

For those of you who are lucky enough to still have your father in your lives, this should be a day of thanks. I wish all of your fathers a happy day!

It is important to honor our fathers who are deceased at least one day a year. I choose to honor my father's memory by donating to the Alzheimer's Foundation on this Father's Day.

Choosing to save your "well" parent

2010-01-21T12:45:00.000-08:00

I went to lunch with a friend of mine who was telling me about her struggles in handling a mother with Alzheimer’s and a father who was falling ill because of caregiving her mother. This is so often the case, when the elderly “well” spouse gets sick taking care of the “sick” spouse.
I am one of the daughters who have experienced this scenario so my friend was asking my opinion on how to handle the situation. It is not easy knowing that at this time in their lives, you are now making serious, long lasting decisions for your parents.

I suggested the following to my friend:
• Don’t second guess yourself – you are making the best decision you can with the information you have on hand at that particular moment.
• It is in the best interest of your "well" parent to find an alternative caregiving situation for your "sick" parent.
• Don’t make any rash decisions about your own living arrangements – so often we want to move very close to our parents. But in the end, this may be the worst thing to do. We need space and time to make rational, logical decisions and if we are in the midst of chaos all the time, it is hard to do.
• Sometimes we have to tell a fib in order to save the life of the “well” parent. The Alzheimer’s or dementia patient forgets what you tell them from one moment to the next. So if you have to tell them that their spouse was in an accident or in the hospital in order to place the “sick” parent in a safe, caring environment, then you must.
• Use caregiving websites as resources.
• Speak to others who are or have been in your situation.

I was glad to share my experiences and advice with my friend and she told me our talk helped her. It is gratifying to me when I can help others because I realize that what I went through had a purpose.

A gift for the Holidays

2009-11-23T17:27:00.000-08:00

Holidays are for family gatherings, for enjoying the joy of the season and for remembering the good times. But when you no longer have your loved ones, holidays can be very difficult, lonely times.

I wrote a poem as a gift to my granddaughter, who has my dearly departed mother's name as her middle name. Today, it has been published on the following website:
http://opentohope.com/grief-and-the-holidays/writing-poem-helps-woman-honor-mother-and-granddaughter/.

Give yourself a gift by remembering a loved one by speaking about them or writing about them. Every time I read the poem I wrote it helps me remember how special my mother was.

Ways to honor your parent's legacy

2009-11-18T06:57:00.000-08:00

I want to continue my family’s legacy, to honor my parents and the lives they lead. In order to do this, it is important to keep their memory alive.

Here are a few suggestions to honor your parent's legacy:

o Maintain an intergenerational link. Your children should hear stories about their grandparents and great-grandparents. They should experience the food of their ancestors. You should share pictures from the past. You should discuss how their ancestors arrived in this country
o Record an oral history of your family and provide it to your children
o Think about a saying or advice your parents once gave you and share it with your children or your family
o Carry a memento of your parent(s). This will keep your loved one close to your heart

I feel it is my responsibility, being the eldest in my family, to make sure the generational link is never severed.

Ways to release the pain of losing a loved one

2009-11-08T09:23:00.000-08:00

When I tell people I am writing and speaking about the death of my parents, they say “how brave of you” or “you have such courage to dig down into those feelings of grief”. I don’t see myself as being brave or courageous. I had to do something to honor their memory, fill the hole in my heart, and help others who feel or have felt the same kind of grief.

I did not know that writing and/or speaking about my feelings would be such a wonderful outlet for the great depth of pain I was feeling. I grieved and still grieve over the loss of my parents. Writing about my parents when they were ill and dying and about my grief after their deaths has been therapeutic. Every time I have a memory, I write about it and immediately I experience a release from my pain. When I speak about my parents it keeps their memory alive.

I encourage anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one to journal your feelings, speak about your feelings to family or friends, and remember your loved one in some special way.

What would my deceased parents say?

2009-10-19T16:29:00.000-07:00

This is a question that was posed to me by a writer who was interviewing me. I answered that I hoped they would tell me that they were proud of how I've handled their loss.

As I continued to think about the question, it occurred to me that my story of my loss was about demonstrating my love for them and it was about:

1) Honoring their memory by telling my story
2) Confirming to myself that I did everything I could for my parents while they were alive
3) Sharing my story to help others
4) Knowing that they would be proud of me

If they came back for a day, I would share with them how painful it was for me to lose them. But through this pain, I found a way to help myself by writing and speaking about my life with them. I would tell them how I discovered what extraordinary people they were and that this fact needed to be shared with the world. My relationship with my parents was special. I didn’t know how special until I began speaking with people about their relationship with their parents.

I also would tell them that their legacy will continue through my writing and speaking about my memories. I would assure them that they would not be forgotten.
Then I would be anxious to hear what they would say.

6 Things to do to Prepare for Your Parent's Death

2009-09-15T17:58:00.000-07:00

When my parents became ill, I was not prepared to be a caregiver, much less prepared for their deaths. It seemed that their health deteriorated so quickly that I didn't have time to adjust or plan or strategize. I just had to handle the situation the best way I could.

I recommend the following list of things to do for those who are facing their parents dying:

-Learn as much as possible about your parent's disease
-Appreciate every day spent with your parent
-Journal or record special moments with your parents
-Understand that your parent is not the same person who raised you
-Accept your new role in the family dynamics
-Ask for help from your family and friends

I'm not saying this list is all you have to do to prepare for your parent's death. The list is a start to assist you in beginning your journey to accepting the inevitable.

What to Say and Not to Say When Someone's Parent Dies

2009-09-13T15:58:00.000-07:00

If you find yourself in a situation when you need to say something to someone who has lost a parent, I hope the following will assist you:

Five Things to Say

• I understand that you are in pain, let me know if I can help you
• No matter how old your parent is, I know their death is difficult for you
• Even though your parent was elderly, I understand that you want him (or her) to have been here on earth for a longer time
• Even though your parent was ill, we are almost never prepared for the inevitable
• Take your time in grieving; there is no time limit to your grief

Five Things Not to Say

• He (or she) was old so you should have expected their death
• He (or she) had a good life
• His (or her) time had come
• This too shall pass
• You will get over it in a couple of months

It is important to be sensitive to the person's feelings. Our comments can be of great comfort to those who are grieving the death of their parent.

The Feathers in My Life

2009-09-08T17:35:00.000-07:00

September 8, 2009. Today,a feather floated before me. A small, white, fluffy beautiful feather lay at my feet as I was outside getting ready to get into my car. I looked up and around to determine if a bird was in a tree nearby. I saw no bird. There was no breeze. Today, the day that marks the death of my mother three years ago, a feather comes into my world again. Why is the feather meaningful?

In 2006, two months after my mother passed away, I was outside trimming the bushes around my patio. I felt a presence around me and then a feather floated right on top of my hand. There was a slight breeze and I looked around to see if a bird was hidden in the bushes. There was no bird. And an overwhelming feeling came over me that my mother was somehow in my presence. It was as if she came to visit me to give me important messages: life continues, life is fleeting, and that she was still looking over me.

So that’s why the feather that came to me today is so important to me. My mother is still looking over me. I kissed the feather and placed it in a special ceramic piece that my mother had made in my bedroom.

Forever Memory Garden

2009-09-04T18:49:00.000-07:00

As the day draws closer to September 11, the date of my mother's burial- which also was her birthday- she is very much on my mind.

Today I worked in the garden I created in her memory. This is the first time I ever planted a garden, much less in remembrance of anyone. I do not have a green thumb but amazingly the garden is thriving after three months. The planting was done with love and care. I planted cannas, begonias, portulaca, lantana,and lilies and they are all blooming.

I have such a feeling of accomplishment and pride that this garden is honoring my mother. And, best of all, I feel her presence looking down over me as I work in the garden. My Forever Memory Garden is a lovely, peaceful place where I can reflect the happy times I spent with my mother.

If you have a loved one that you have lost, I recommend planting a garden in their memory. It can be a vegetable garden or an herb garden. It can be a large or small garden. Why don't you plant a garden this fall?

For those of you whose parents have passed on or are in ill health

2009-08-27T06:05:00.000-07:00

Treasure your parents. Make time to spend with them. Listen to their concerns. Value what they have to tell you. Provide them with special things that they need-like reading them a book or newspaper. Have no regrets.

Maintain an inter-generational link. Your children should hear stories about their grandparents and great-grandparents. They should experience the food of their ancestors. You should share pictures of your parents and grandparents when they were young. You should discuss how their ancestors arrived in this country.

Record an oral history of your family members and provide it to your children.

Every day, think about a wise saying or direction your parents once gave you that made a difference in your life.

Carry a memento of your parent(s) to keep them close to your heart.

It is important for us to do the best we can while our parents are still alive and to honor them after their passing. I may feel like an orphan but then I remember there was a time when I was a part of a very special family. No one can take my memories away.

I choose to write about my memories in order to help others through the pain of losing their parents and as a result, it will ease my pain.